Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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