I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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