the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
