he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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