Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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