I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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