i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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