Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
