i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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