Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
