So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
