So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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