so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
