i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
