Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
