new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Terrible idea I love it
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
