he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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