there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
