About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
