Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
