I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
