dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
