***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
