"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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