I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
