Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
