Yo dont text me then not text me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
