From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
