Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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