hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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