my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
