my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
we should paint friendship bongs
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
