So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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