The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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