Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
