You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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