Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
