he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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