so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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