tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
