HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
