trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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