Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
