I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't turn off my feet"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
