She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
