I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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