I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
