I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
