New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
