I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
